My Life As Michelle

About Us

I am a wife, daughter, sister, aunt, artist, friend. My husband bought this web domain name for me as a Christmas gift in 2012. I guess he wanted to light a fire under me, as I have often said that I wanted to have a webpage, start a blog, be a professional artist. And although I have had my work shown in and around my area, I have sold artworks, and I do constantly create art... I do not feel like a professional artist. This is but one of my many self defeating habits. I'm sure you'll learn a lot about self defeating behaviors, my struggle with bipolar and bulimia, and other difficulties in my life posted in my blog.

Artist Statement
2015

I am bipolar and also bulimic, which means my life is in a constant battle for balance. I have no consistent thought pattern; it’s like a word salad all the time inside my head. Thoughts are lost in translation because I am always 20 steps away from whatever it is that I am doing. I’m a mind wanderer. The idea of “constant” or “center” is lost on me. The only balance that I feel is when I’m creating art and when I’m teaching art. Anything that has to do with art. When I’m creating – or even thinking of ideas before I create them – I feel at peace with my mind and heart.

 

It’s the mind and heart that struggle to work together. Mind demands heart to be a certain body size; mind convinces heart that if I’m not this size – than I am unlovable. Heart only hears “unlovable.” Heart only feels unloved. And when mind becomes manic or depressed – this teetering gets worse. Mind says directly, “You are not normal. You are not loveable.” Mind tells heart to hate, to love, to race, to deviate – but never to believe. Heart gets left behind by my dominant mind.

 

I was raised to be secretive about this struggle. I was raised to think that if I told people about it, that those admittances would become so twisted and distorted that I would not recognize them as my own thoughts. Or that people would not like me as well. But in the process of emulating this, I chained a lock around my neck; a lock that had lost its key for 19 years.

 

The energy that art making brings to me has forged a new key to my heart. Therefore, communicating to people that I am bipolar, and even more so that I am bulimic, has unlocked that great weight from around my neck. My artwork informs me, like a spy, of how my mental state is working with my heart. The work offers me clues when I am unbalanced in my thoughts or feelings. Sketching in journals reveals a lot of turmoil and offers a product to look at, to remember, to see firsthand, and to begin to understand the values I hold in my heart; it lets me see patterns. These patterns transform into finished works of fiber art. Fiber offers warmth and comfort. I usually work in a sketched, journal form first and let the picture reveal itself - over time - what it is I am trying to communicate (because the fact is that I am not focused or centered). I work in spiral-like fashion…. Sketching/journaling, resting, thinking, understanding, creating. Repeat. To struggle through this process is beautiful to me – a rite of passage. My art making today gives me confidence that my heart and my mind can, in fact, coexist (and maybe even work together). I struggle. I overcome. I manage. I create.

Note:
I intend to be brutally honest and use this almost as a journal as I begin my journey to heal my life. I have been bulimic since about 1995, and finally realized that I cannot be 70 and still throwing up. It's just not an option. So this website is for me to share my difficulties, my work, my life either with you or without you. If you see this site, great, if you follow it, awesome. But if nobody looks at me - well, there's something romantic about that too (to quote my husband). Search, enjoy, contact me if you want. I hope that my journey can help you in yours.

 Best, Michelle.